yang tidak bisa diucapkan ayah

I read this last night and I cried. Think I should share it with everybody.

*"YANG TIDAK BISA DIUCAPKAN AYAH"*

Biasanya, bagi seorang anak perempuan yang sudah dewasa, yang sedang bekerja diperantauan, yang ikut suaminya merantau di luar kota atau luar negeri, yang sedang bersekolah atau kuliah jauh dari kedua orang tuanya.....

Akan sering merasa kangen sekali dengan Mamanya..

Lalu bagaimana dengan Papa?

Mungkin karena Mama lebih sering menelepon untuk menanyakan keadaanmu setiap hari, tapi tahukah kamu, jika ternyata Papa-lah yang mengingatkan Mama untuk menelponmu?

Mungkin dulu sewaktu kamu kecil, Mama-lah yang lebih sering mengajakmu bercerita atau berdongeng, tapi tahukah kamu, bahwa sepulang Papa bekerja dan dengan wajah lelah Papa selalu menanyakan pada Mama tentang kabarmu dan apa yang kau lakukan seharian?

Pada saat dirimu masih seorang anak perempuan kecil......
Papa biasanya mengajari putri kecilnya naik sepeda.
Dan setelah Papa mengganggapmu bisa, Papa akan melepaskan roda bantu di sepedamu...
Kemudian Mama bilang : "Jangan dulu Papa, jangan dilepas dulu roda bantunya", Mama takut putri manisnya terjatuh lalu terluka....

Tapi sadarkah kamu?
Bahwa Papa dengan yakin akan membiarkanmu, menatapmu, dan menjagamu mengayuh sepeda dengan seksama karena dia tahu putri kecilnya PASTI BISA.

Pada saat kamu menangis merengek meminta boneka atau mainan yang baru, Mama menatapmu iba.
Tetapi Papa akan mengatakan dengan tegas : "Boleh, kita beli nanti, tapi
tidak sekarang"
Tahukah kamu, Papa melakukan itu karena Papa tidak ingin kamu menjadi anak yang manja dengan semua tuntutan yang selalu dapat dipenuhi?

Saat kamu sakit pilek, Papa yang terlalu khawatir sampai kadang sedikit
membentak dengan berkata : "Sudah di bilang! kamu jangan minum air dingin!".

Berbeda dengan Mama yang memperhatikan dan menasihatimu dengan lembut. Ketahuilah, saat itu Papa benar-benar mengkhawatirkan keadaanmu.

Ketika kamu sudah beranjak remaja.....
Kamu mulai menuntut pada Papa untuk dapat izin keluar malam, dan Papa bersikap tegas dan mengatakan: "Tidak boleh!".
Tahukah kamu, bahwa Papa melakukan itu untuk menjagamu?
Karena bagi Papa, kamu adalah sesuatu yang sangat - sangat luar biasa
berharga..

Setelah itu kamu marah pada Papa, dan masuk ke kamar sambil membanting pintu...

Dan yang datang mengetok pintu dan membujukmu agar tidak marah adalah Mama....
Tahukah kamu, bahwa saat itu Papa memejamkan matanya dan menahan gejolak dalam batinnya, bahwa Papa sangat ingin mengikuti keinginanmu, Tapi lagi-lagi dia HARUS menjagamu?

Ketika saat seorang cowok mulai sering menelponmu, atau bahkan datang ke rumah untuk menemuimu, Papa akan memasang wajah paling cool sedunia.... :')
Papa sesekali menguping atau mengintip saat kamu sedang ngobrol berdua di ruang tamu..
Sadarkah kamu, kalau hati Papa merasa cemburu?

Saat kamu mulai lebih dipercaya, dan Papa melonggarkan sedikit peraturan untuk keluar rumah untukmu, kamu akan memaksa untuk melanggar jam malamnya.
Maka yang dilakukan Papa adalah duduk di ruang tamu, dan menunggumu pulang dengan hati yang sangat khawatir...
Dan setelah perasaan khawatir itu berlarut - larut...
Ketika melihat putri kecilnya pulang larut malam hati Papa akan
mengeras dan Papa memarahimu.. .
Sadarkah kamu, bahwa ini karena hal yang di sangat ditakuti Papa akan segera datang?
"Bahwa putri kecilnya akan segera pergi meninggalkan Papa"

Setelah lulus SMA, Papa akan sedikit memaksamu untuk menjadi seorang Dokter atau Insinyur.
Ketahuilah, bahwa seluruh paksaan yang dilakukan Papa itu semata - mata hanya karena memikirkan masa depanmu nanti...
Tapi toh Papa tetap tersenyum dan mendukungmu saat pilihanmu tidak sesuai dengan keinginan Papa

Ketika kamu menjadi gadis dewasa....
Dan kamu harus pergi kuliah dikota lain...
Papa harus melepasmu di bandara.
Tahukah kamu bahwa badan Papa terasa kaku untuk memelukmu?
Papa hanya tersenyum sambil memberi nasehat ini - itu, dan menyuruhmu untuk berhati-hati...
Padahal Papa ingin sekali menangis seperti Mama dan memelukmu erat-erat.
Yang Papa lakukan hanya menghapus sedikit air mata di sudut matanya, dan menepuk pundakmu berkata "Jaga dirimu baik-baik ya sayang".
Papa melakukan itu semua agar kamu KUAT....kuat untuk pergi dan menjadi dewasa.

Disaat kamu butuh uang untuk membiayai uang semester dan kehidupanmu, orang pertama yang mengerutkan kening adalah Papa.
Papa pasti berusaha keras mencari jalan agar anaknya bisa merasa sama dengan teman-temannya yang lain.
Ketika permintaanmu bukan lagi sekedar meminta boneka baru, dan Papa tahu ia tidak bisa memberikan yang kamu inginkan...

Kata-kata yang keluar dari mulut Papa adalah : "Tidak.... Tidak bisa!"
Padahal dalam batin Papa, Ia sangat ingin mengatakan "Iya sayang, nanti Papa belikan untukmu".
Tahukah kamu bahwa pada saat itu Papa merasa gagal membuat anaknya tersenyum?

Saatnya kamu diwisuda sebagai seorang sarjana.
Papa adalah orang pertama yang berdiri dan memberi tepuk tangan untukmu.
Papa akan tersenyum dengan bangga dan puas melihat "putri kecilnya yang tidak manja berhasil tumbuh dewasa, dan telah menjadi seseorang"

Sampai saat seorang teman Lelakimu datang ke rumah dan meminta izin pada Papa untuk mengambilmu darinya.
Papa akan sangat berhati-hati memberikan izin..
Karena Papa tahu.....
Bahwa lelaki itulah yang akan menggantikan posisinya nanti.

Dan akhirnya....

Saat Papa melihatmu duduk di Panggung Pelaminan bersama seseorang Lelaki yang di anggapnya pantas menggantikannya, Papa pun tersenyum bahagia....
Apakah kamu mengetahui, di hari yang bahagia itu Papa pergi ke belakang panggung sebentar, dan menangis?
Papa menangis karena papa sangat berbahagia, kemudian Papa berdoa....
Dalam lirih doanya kepada Tuhan, Papa berkata: "Ya Tuhan tugasku telah selesai dengan baik....
Putri kecilku yang lucu dan kucintai telah menjadi wanita yang cantik....
Bahagiakanlah ia bersama suaminya..."

Setelah itu Papa hanya bisa menunggu kedatanganmu bersama cucu-cucunya yang sesekali datang untuk menjenguk...
Dengan rambut yang telah dan semakin memutih....
Dan badan serta lengan yang tak lagi kuat untuk menjagamu dari bahaya....
Papa telah menyelesaikan tugasnya....

Papa, Ayah, Bapak, atau Abah kita...
Adalah sosok yang harus selalu terlihat kuat...
Bahkan ketika dia tidak kuat untuk tidak menangis...
Dia harus terlihat tegas bahkan saat dia ingin memanjakanmu...
Dan dia adalah yang orang pertama yang selalu yakin bahwa "KAMU BISA" dalam segala hal..

Saya mendapatkan notes ini dari seorang teman, dan mungkin ada baiknya jika aku kembali membagikannya kepada teman-teman ku yang lain.

Tulisan ini aku dedikasikan kepada teman-teman wanita ku yang cantik, yang kini sudah berubah menjadi wanita dewasa serta ANGGUN, dan juga untuk teman-teman pria ku yang sudah ataupun akan menjadi ayah yang HEBAT !

Yup, banyak hal yang mungkin tidak bisa dikatakan Ayah / Bapak / Romo / Papa / Papi kita... tapi setidaknya kini kita mengerti apa yang tersembunyi dibalik hatinya.*




I LOOOOVE my dad more than anyone else in this world :)

Menjelang Ulangan KWN

Suka itu bukan karna ada apanya, tapi karna apa adanya.

Widya Arifianti, stress mau ulangan KWN.

Drenched in Memories

So I went to this Founders' Trophy last week.

Broke 8th, quarterfinalist, did all of the drama stuffs, and I'm done with my highschool debate career (at least that's what my parents thought). It was fun. Watching these stellar debaters (and didn't understand what some of the were saying) debate, getting frustrated, not knowing the definition of the motion, you know- all those debate stuffs.

Something felt different though.

I must say that I'm sooo against that "I-want-to-be-in-the-same-team-with-this-particular-person-blablabla" kind of thing. Like really, I think that's DUMB. I dont' like relying too much on other. And you can't expect yourself to be in the same team with people you like throughout your debate career. Like seriously. I personally can debate with and against anybody (my coach does NOT included in the definition of "anyone"). I have no problem with team so far. At least that's what I thought.

Now, there is this woman called Marsha Faradina.

My 1st speaker, my all-time debate teammate, one of my "Trio Macan" partner, a person that I can share my arguments with just by looking at her eyes and vice versa.

You can say I've never really been in a debate competition without her.

I debated on FT with Hugo, another SMAN 3 senior. He was good, I'm not saying that he was bad or something. The problem was just... Marsha wasn't there. It felt like something's not right.

I miss those frantic-ness we used to share during casebuilding.

So, teammate is an essential point for your debate, no?


Trio macan reunion on Phyxius 2009. Took this picture after making an evil plan for Mr. Coach's birthday surprise.


I miss those old moments, ALSA UI 2 years ago in particular.

Marintong, good luck for your UM UGM. And Marsha, wait for me. I'll catch up. I love you guys :)

Like It or Not, It's Our Senior Year


Way to 2010, seniors.

Recordando

It’s been 3 months since I came back from the USA.

Three months that I learned to accept the truth that I’m no longer an exchange student, that I’m no longer as “special” as I was.

Three months of re-adjusting, struggling at school, looking for new friends.

Three months of not going to marching field and touching marimba.

Three months of not having row dinner and going to Noodles and Co.

Three months of not seeing my American family and friends.

I’m not sure why, but I was fine, at least before I knew that there is another exchange student coming to Scioto this year. I feel so jealous of her, but I was still fine. But now, when I learn the truth that she’s now a member of Scioto marching band, I can’t help but crying.

Don’t get me wrong, I know Melon is a really nice exchange student and I really hope that she enjoys her stay in Ohio. I know she will, because no other school that can make you feel grateful that you’re an exchange student but Dublin Scioto.

Yet this burning jealousy in me has already on its limit that I need to do something to get it the hell out of me.

Last year, I tried my best to do everything I wanted to do, so when I get back home to Indonesia, I won’t regret anything. And I DID. I did basically everything.

But the regret is stilll here.

I regret the fact that I’m no longer there.

Yes once again, I AM super spoiled. I envy Melon for being there and having fun with them while I’m not.

E Pod, Band room, Marching field, footbal games, competition, the pit, row dinner.

I miss those all things.

I even miss Mr. Gray’s “Shut up, Egalita, I hate you”s. I miss my Music Theory class. I miss the percussion closet in E3. I miss those freezing moments during football games.

In case you haven’t notice, yes I AM a band geek and I’m proud of it. I rotate around the band and bandies and that’s my life.

If only I could go there right now, I’d hug them all and tell them how much I love them and they are a family to me.

“Gapapa Ga, taun depan juga dia (si exchange student baru) bakal kangen sama US dan isinya, ama aja kaya lu sekarang. Terus yang lu iriin apa?”

BJ (Thanks Je, it actually helps)

Grumbling


It's SMAN 3 Bandung, not Dublin Scioto High School.

IT'S INDONESIA, NOT THE UNITED STATES.



Hmm. Yes I know that’s the fact.

It's been several months since I came back here to Indonesia. I re-adjusted well (at least that's what I think) but then still, sometimes everything feels weird.


(HAHA akhirnya setelah sekian lama gw ngeblog lagi. Abis diprotes si Marsha nihh)


Anyways, as you can see from the title, this is just me grumbling so if you don’t feel like reading to a student complaining about stuffs, just don’t waste your time.


I AM a liberalist, that's one thing to begin with. I'm not particularly a democrats, but once again, I value liberalism although there are some points in liberalism that i don't agree with, but whatever. But the thing is, I hate being restricted from doing what I can do just because of some stupid unreasonable rules.


I know freedom of speech and freedom of choice in Indonesia is not as widely accepted as they are in the States. Well we do democracy as well over here, but it's still different. There are some “limits” of those freedoms in indonesia. For example, we Indonesian students can't choose our classes at school. Yes I know the curriculum is different from the United States', but for me, being trained to think and decide for your own needs since you’re young is a good thing, and I don’t understand why don’t we do it here?


From what I see, our current Indonesian school system doesn’t really work. Well it DOES work but not as efficient. First, we students are forced to take all assigned class. We can only choose whether we want to take IPA (Natural Science) Class or IPS (Social Studies) Class. When we decide to take IPA, the school will force us to study all of the subjects; physics, chemistry, and biology for ALL YEARS, added with math, Indonesian Government, Indonesian and World History, English, Islamic Study, Computer, Gym, and Islamic Study. For IPS, they have to take Geography, Ecomomics, Sociology etc.


Those all classes are compulsary, with so may stuffs going on in every subjects. Not all students like these all classes nor they need all of them for college. But everyone is forced – obliged – compelled to study this subjects and meet the standard the school made. Thus the students feel so much burdened and frustrated. We DON’T choose our classes so we DON’T feel responsible to study for them. We’re (me in particular) lazy – slothful – sluggish, yea whatever you wish to call us. We study hard JUST to graduate a.k.a. get out of the freaking school and go to college, then we’re done. Of course there are some students out there who love studying from their heart (which obviously is NOT me), and I respect them for it.


“Ketuhanan Yang Maha Esa” is the first point in Pancasila. In other word, you can’t be an Indonesian and an atheist in the same time. Why?


At school, all moslems have to take Islamic Study class, which I personally think is good. But the problem is, the school which I go to is a public school, not a private Islamic school. I know that the majority of Indonesians are moslem –so am I-, but then how about our friends who are not a moslem? What they do when we’re on this Islamic Study class is just go outside the class, idk what they do, like, wasting time?


According to egalitarianism, everyone should be treated equally. In this case, no matter you’re a moslem or not, you should be considered the same no matter where you are. In my school, Christians or Catholics have their own religion classes, but not inside the school time, a.k.a. they need to take those classes after school or something like that – I’m not sure. I personally don’t think this is justifiable as in, when we moslems study our religion at class, non-moslems should be studying their religion as well –in other classroom. THAT’s fair. Although we moslems are the majority, it doesn’t mean we can just kick the non moslems out of the class when we gotta study Islam. Actually, it’s not just the school, it’s also the government. Indonesian government acknowledges only Islam, Christian, Catholics, Buddhist and Hindu. How about others; Shinto, Atheist, Yehovah, etc? What makes the government mutually exclusive that they can decide which religions should be accepted and which are not?


Now, the teachers.


Dedication is what they’re laking of. Like, seriously, this one teacher likes to come to class like, 15 minutes before the bell rings. Dude, I’m a freaking senior and I WANT to graduate and you KNOW it’s NOT easy! It’s hard to pass the tests already so teachers, you guys don’t have to make it even harder for us. Other teacher clearly doesn’t seem to be wanting to teach. Blahh. My Islamic study likes to give us what I call doctrines; something like “Kalian ga usah blang selamat natal ke orang-orang yang merayakannya”. Why? Who are you, my mom? How dare you tell me what to say? It’d probably better if he elaborate the whole thing with AREL (assertion, reasoning, evidence and link back) but he didn’t, and I held myself back, not saying anything, just because I don’t want him to fail my grade. Huh.


There ARE some teachers who teach really well and I appreciate that. But PLEASE, for SMAN3 Bandung - MY school - why do these kind of teachers exist?


Maybe this is one form of my continued reverse-culture-shock. MAYBE. Or these things around me is just wrong.


Well, thanks for the “welcome back”s.


-ME grumbling in the frustration of the mid-semester exam-

Reverse-Homesick

One thing: it SUCKS.

My Life Back Home

First, it SUCKS.

I hate Indonesian school!!!!!

Well, I’d blame myself for taking neither chem, bio, and physics in the US but IT STILL SUCKS!!! I definitely need to catch up with my “new” friends! I’m now in class 3 IPA 3, with underclassmen-used-to-be. That wasn’t my problem, because I do have friends now, but school SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m totally frustrated.

When I got better on physics, chem got screwed!!!!

And I met my 2009 friends, and it was fun J

Thir first reaction would be : “EGA??? OH MY GOD!!! I miss you!!!” And then they’d glare at my school uniform and laugh.

Haha, not that I care. I went to the US and they didn’t :p Well, they’re already accepted in colleges now. BLAHH.

Yesterday I stucked in the teachers’ room, they forced me to tell stories on America. BLAHH. I spent almost an hour there.

Another day, my old English teacher saw me skipping my physics class with my friends and she yelled at me. I thought I’d be in trouble but she dragged me to a junior class and FORCED me to tell them about AFS and the US. Another BLAHH.

My name wasn’t on the class list, so I came to the teacher and told her that I AM now a member of the class.

“What’s your name?”

“Ega.”

“Oh. EGALITA IRFAN??”

“Y-yea. How do you know?”

“Well, I teached this class last year too and everytime I call your name, you were never there. So how was America?”

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Yayaya, I should get over it. I really SHOULD.

But friends comment on my wall on facebook and their emails made me cry still.

I MISS THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iknow what’s this called.

Because I felt the same way on my first week in USA.

It was called HOMESICK.

But this time I’m homesick of the host country a.k.a. America so it’s not really a “homesick” but hell, I don’t care what’s it called.

I WANT TO GO BACK THERE.

The End of the Stay

IT’S INDONESIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lalalaaa :)

This post is kinda late but who cares anyway? I’ve been home since July 5thish. We left the States on July 3rd afternoon, after spending the 3 previous days in Washington DC for re-orientation. I met other Indonesian exchange students there as well as my other exchange student buddies from India, Turkey, Thailand, Malaysia, Germany etc. We had some (boring) sessions at Hilton but we also wend to Capitol Hill to “talk” to the Congressmen but most of hem weren’t there. It was still fun!!!

At Capitol Hill :)

I was really glad to realize that I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GAIN WEIGHT DURING MY STAY IN THE US!! Lol yayayaay!!! And oh, we also went to Indonesian Embassy in DC and ATE INDONESIAN FOOD!!!! ;)


The inside part of Indonesian Embassy

Bandung exchange students, still in Indonesian Embassy


One night before we left, every country had to perform some sort of talent show. We Indonesians sang and danced Janger and Yamko Rambe Yamko and of course, we were awesome ;)

We left the States from Dulles International Airport. It was A LOT of drama!! We had a totally mixed feelings about going home. We’re SAAAAAAAAAAAADDD to leave the States but we were excited (and scared too) to go back to our own country and meet our family!!

Stuffs I needed to bring home. A LOT of work…


LEAVING ON A JETPLANE

All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn'
The taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn
Already i'm so lonesome i could die


So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when i'll be back again
Oh babe, i hate to go


There's so many times i've let you down
So many times i've played around
But tell him that they don't mean a thing

Every place i go i think of you
Every song i sing i'll sing for you
When i come back, i'll wear your wedding ring


Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh let me kiss you
And close your eyes and i'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When i won't have to leave alone
By the times that i won't have to say


We stopped in Frankfurt and Malaysia. Our plane got delayed for 5 freaking hours in Malaysia!! It was really tiring but we were alive when we got to Soekarno-Hatta International Airport at Jakarta, Indonesia. When the plane just landed and touched the ground, we 87 exchange students screamed “INDONESIA!!!!” a thousand times. Lol. Kind of embarassing but I think other passangers understood (I really hope so :p). And then we still had to wait to get our suitcases, and then we walked out in line and we saw this huge banner held by people we knew –returnees and the exchange program committees-. It said “WELCOME BACK, INDONESIAN EXCHANGE STUDENTS TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 2008-2009!!!!”

And then…

I SAW MY FAMILY.

My dad looked just the same, my mom look skinnier –prolly thinking about her daughter too much-, my sister looked a little bit fatter and taller, and my brother definitely got really tall!!! Almost as tall as I am. I miss miss MISS them so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, unfortunately, we still had to attend mandatory national re-orientation for another 3 days and THEN we can go back to our home. So I saw my family for like 15 minutes and then I gotta go. That sucks so bad!! Uh well.

Re-orientation was fine. It was really tiring because we were still jetlag and we needed some sleep. But we all survived!! On the last day we were really sad because we gotta leave and say goodbye. We exchange students came from different provinces and islands so we don’t know when we’ll have everyone gathered again L We have facebook though, so we can still contact each other!!

I met my relatives on he 7th, right when I got out of the re-orientation camp. I was really happy to see them!!

But deep inside, I couldn’t deny the sadness.

I MISS MY AMERICAN FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, you can never have everything, can you? L((((((((((

To AFS and Youth Exchange and Study Program and the US government,

Thank you SO MUCH you have no idea how grateful I am. I’m really glad I went to the US. I learned A LOT from my stay. I now understand that people are different and I respect our difference. The AFS experience change my perspective about the US and a lot of other things. Now I appreciate my family even more, and I have so many American friends whom I know I can always rely on and talk to J Thank you so much.

And I’m officially an ex-exchange student.


Egalita Irfan

RETURNEE

AFS/YES (Youth Exchange and Study) Program 2008-2009

Hosted in Dublin, OH, USA

Dublin Scioto High School

Youth Exchange and Study Program (YES)

Youth Exchange and Study Program (YES)

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Dublin Scioto High School Marching Band

Dublin Scioto High School Marching Band